What animal would be truly terrifying if it hunted people? 

The question is trivial in the sort of way that gets social media buzzing. But Reddit’s answers to the question are so obtuse they're both amusing and alarming. Entertaining? Maybe.
What animal would be truly terrifying if it hunted people? 

Featured image: iStock

If ever in need of a little entertainment when there’s nothing on television, you might visit “Ask Reddit.” Warning: the language is not for youngsters or Baptists.

It’s unlikely you will learn anything, but you will find that regular people — out there living their regular little lives like the rest of us — can be pretty funny. Some, however, are frighteningly dimwitted.

Today, I stumbled onto this gem:

What animal would become truly terrifying if it became carnivorous and started hunting people for food?

The question is trivial in the sort of way that gets social media buzzing. But Reddit’s answers to the question are so obtuse they're both amusing and alarming. Entertaining? Maybe. Keep in mind there are no rules, people aren’t always motivated to stick to the actual questions. For instance, the first person to reply offers ants as the answer. Ants are insects, not animals, but let’s not worry ourselves with details.

 


 

Here are my unscientific, completely subjective top six worst answers, going from “just OK” to “Boom! Reddit needs life support.” I would have chosen the top six best answers, but there were none.

6. Horses

The user who offered this answer qualified it by citing a horse’s speed and size. Another user replied, “Dude, it’s cool. We invented horse tranquilizers for just such an eventuality.”

OK. Anyway …

How fast are horses? With speeds up to 45 mph, they rank among the fastest land mammals.
Any idea which animal is the second-fastest land mammal? We wrote about that here.

5. Rabbits

Said one Reddit user, “Imagine rabbits swarming together to create a giant rabbit that can eat dozens of humans at once. Once you are in the mouth as you are chewed up and swallowed hundreds of smaller rabbits take tiny little bites of you.”

But, inevitably, rabbits are a tough sell due to their size. Surely the threat would be marginal. One guy posted, “Rabbits are insanely easy to kill though.” I know a lot of rabbit hunters who would disagree. Especially bowhunters. Here’s an excerpt from a Grand View Outdoors post about rabbit hunting:

Some people call the activity bowhunting for cottontail rabbits. Zornes calls it losing arrows in the sage brush. "You can shoot a lot of arrows and not take a lot of meat home," said Mark Zornes of the Wyoming Game and Fish Department. "But that's hunting."

Still, another user suggested that rabbits would be a legit threat because of strength in numbers, “our overconfidence will be our undoing as their superior numbers overwhelm us.”

So maybe our undoing at the hands of carnivorous rabbits would be similar to the failing that brought down the Titanic. The ship’s captain was said to be so overconfident he sped along his route, dismissive of icebergs and the possibility of crashing into one.

4. Gnats

I think the fear here is also one rooted in sheer numbers. Here’s a bit of imagery for you:

“(They would be) just swarms pecking away at you like annoying little air-piranhas but ya know...likely deadly.”

3. Frogs

This answer was inspired by someone’s dream: “I had this dream where a dog-sized frog jumped out of a pool, stuck to someone, knocked them over and suffocated them.”

David Hu, in a recent interview with The Atlantic, described a frog’s tongue and its stickiness. “It’s like a piece of silly putty; when you touch it, you can’t tell if it’s a solid or a fluid,” Hu says. “And they were incredibly sticky. Freshly chewed chewing gum is similar, or marshmallow fluff that you can’t get off your hands.”

Here's an example of how lethal "stick" can be:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=5&v=OyQWojjB_ys

2. Danny DeVito

This answer is so wrong. One guy replied quite practically, “Do you mean as that goat thing from Hercules (a 1997 Disney animation)? Or just as himself?” But, nah, the other Reddit dude responds, “Just him, as himself, rabid and gnarly, hunting you down.”

1. Geese

Waterfowl hunters on a goose hunt. These geese are not carnivorous. Photo: Derrek Sigler

Geese get the No. 1 ranking because someone, a Brit, took the time to write a fictional story about carnivorous geese and, you know, good for that guy.

Air raid sirens sound. Geese, flying in a V formation, descend upon the park, snatching several toddlers from the ground and tearing them to pieces as parents look on, horrified. An elderly man is overwhelmed as he attempts to get to a bunker.

The beach has been lost. Marines are falling back to defensive positions along the boundaries of the park, hoping to hold off the hooting scourge. But it is too late. They watch as overhead, countless geese fly in formation into the city. AA guns are ineffective, and they are soon landing and attacking the people of the city in full force. By nightfall, the British army has lost 80% of Bristol, and more geese are migrating from the long abandoned continent of the Americas. They are using it as a staging zone for more landings and a full invasion of the UK.

Skirmishes continue until morning, but it is all too late as the SAS arrive. They too, are quickly slaughtered, although taking thousands of geese out with them.

So, anyway, who’s up for some goose hunting?

Related: How to hunt geese over water

Related: 12 tips for goose hunters

A note about deadly swarms of stuff

Wouldn’t a swarm of any human-eating animal or insect be scary?  The swarm theory is intellectually lazy. It overlooks all the unique advantages that animals have over humans. Imagine the damage a man-eating wild turkey could do with its superior eyesight? They could sit like snipers from their roosts, waiting. And when an unknowing human strolls by and lays down a quilt for a picnic, a turkey can be there quickly thanks to 55-mph flight speed. When he does, he won't be targeting the fried chicken and deviled eggs.

Then, staying in the speed category, there's the cheetah. This animal tops out at over 70 mph. Imagine that kind of speed, with jaws zeroed in on you, running down a congested urban street full of human prey.

I know. This is super dystopian, man. But Reddit's deficiencies are motivating. Our readers would own this question. Are you kidding me? So if you have something good, hit me up at amy.hatfield@grandviewoutdoors.com. We'll post answers that are awesome.

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